yesterday i wanted to blog about enrichment week, especially about inline skating and how fun it was, despite me falling like a tenth of a thousand times. i wanted to say how it was the first time i didnt mind being under the bloody sun (having slathered myself with sunblock first of course) cos i was having so much fun wobbling around in skates. it was the first time i truly didnt mind making a fool of myself cos i truly wanted to learn (although it helped that many other ppl fell too lol). i wanted to talk about the feeling of being on wheels the first time after spending the entire of my eighteen years nice and steady on my feet on hard solid ground (cycling excluded). i wanted to describe the 'lovely' gear we had on our wrists, elbows, knees and heads, despite us all looking like some displaced astronauts.

i wanted to, but i couldnt spare the time. and today before i could blog about that, a whole new series of events hit me, along with a whole new set of emotions.

i dont believe it. i dont understand it. i put in so much effort for it. it. my heart and my soul. how can the whole class fail? and again too?? shit what exactly is wrong with us?? they say no pain, no gain. were my efforts in vain then? what exactly is going on? it's not that i dont feel shit about my other subjects, course i do, but this, this one. dammit. it's july and i really wanted to use this cts as a gauge, and look what happened. it doesnt hurt as much for other subjects, it hurts particularly badly for this one.

ok so there were some good news here and there, like me topping gp compre (compre only mind you, essay is gonna be like shit though i'll find out on fri) and me being one of the only four in class who passed chem. but seriously, are these really good news? i mean hello, 26.5/50 isnt anyth to rejoice about, despite it being the highest. i seriously dont feel any bit of joy in me, and i'm not trying to be humble. seriously. i dont care for all these (though of course they provide some amounts of comfort) when the subject i so adore is, well, to put it coarsely, like shit.

that is if vivian heard mrs lim correctly. anyways i'll find out for real tmr. and i really dont want to find out. it's like i already know but i dont want to face it. dammit.

talked to dad about it at the dinner table and suddenly the tears just came. i mean i knew i was feeling gloomy but i didnt know just how gloomy, until the tears told me. the sister keeps telling me to stay focused, it's the A's that's the ultimate goal! but how can i not be demoralised at this point of time when every effort i put seemed to come to nought?


temporary respite came in the form of Harry Potter & the Order of the Phoenix. been reading it so as to jog my memory for the upcoming movie date with ellen dearest this friday. yes ellen i am REALLY looking forward to it too! :) sthg that really brings a smile to my face though i know i have to endure two more days of school (oh that dreadful thing of paper returning). friday friday friday!! :D